Wow, I think the wave of despair has passed for the rest of the month. I had my tests last week. Normal results for the ultrasound and the hysterosalpingographe, just waiting for the results from the blood tests. My husband is getting his tests this week too so... good! At least we're doing something. As long as I'm actively participating in this not being pregnant thing I can deal.
Chalet weekend with friends will do me some good. I think it's the first time we're going away just the old climbing gang. Sometimes I wonder if I regret not climbing anymore. I think I regret not being able to will myself to drive all that way. I still can't make myself do it though.
My new thing, walking to work and listening to silly teen fiction audiobooks. 5.75km goes by in no time when there are werewolves and vampires along for the ride no?
I hope I can keep this up and curb the binge junk food/wine habit a little. I'd really like to be in better shape. It sounds like a cliché but I don't think there's any point to deny being body obsessed when you are. Even if it makes me less of a strong, confident woman, I still would be lying if I denied it. I look down and I don't like what I see. Seriously, is there any angle more unflattering than looking straight down at your belly? I feel like I'm going to have to be concave before I stop thinking I'm huge.
I've started a new philosophy class and I think it's going to be fun. The only problem I often run into is the fact that I abhor putting into words what I think the author meant by what he wrote. I suck at it! But I somehow still don't mind trying. This is the 2nd philosophy class of 3 and I did pretty badly (75%) so my goal is to get 80% on this one. Baby steps. It's not easy to start studying again after 10 years. Especially when it comes to something that isn't a passion. I wish my veterinary technician course didn't have all these general courses lumped in with the vet stuff.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Dreaming of Those College Days
Another reason I feel like my life is on hold right now is that I'm planning a career change but it's crawling along at such a slow pace that I feel like I'm standing still. A career change at 31 is not as simple as it would have been if I'd decided this 10 years ago. I've got a house, car and a husband who just started his own business so, like it or not, I'm going to have to be patient until I'm "sure" school won't put too much strain on our lives. It's the "our" part really. Another complication is that the program I want to enroll in (I want to be a vet tech) includes classes that can't be taken by pregnant women. I'm one of those people who don't like to think too long about something before doing it. Once I've decided that it's what I want I go for it. Now, I have to wait until I get pregnant, have a baby, take a year's maternity leave and then go back to school.
On good days I try to convince myself that all the waiting in my life is going to help me develop patience that I'm self admittedly lacking at the moment. So far striding through life with the attention span and patience of a three year old hasn't been that bad for me but when I do end up having children and even going back to school I'm going to need to act like a grown up, focus and take some deep breaths.
On bad days, like today, I give in to my frustration and pout until I start to feel ridiculous. Then I tell myself that I need a hobby.
In reality my school goal is slowly getting started. I've got a bunch of general classes that are part of my eventual Vet Tech program and I've decided to do them by correspondence. I've finished three out of 12 so far and I have to say it's keeping me quite busy.
I should just keep in mind that one day I'm going to look back on this time in my life and wonder why I was in such a hurry. For now I'll trudge on in my current job and wait...just wait.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Lady in Waiting
I'm tired of actively waiting for things to happen. I'm trying to get pregnant (18 months now) and although I know that I can't will it into happening some part of me can't stop "trying" to affect the outcome. There's a drive to be productive in me that won't let me be zen about anything, especially not something as life changing as becoming a mother.
Here is a list of the things that I've done that have not resulted in pregnancy:
May-Jul 2010
Went off the pill but of course we still have to use protection because I HAVE to drink champagne at my wedding. (I did, it was great!)
Aug 2010
I was shocked... I mean SHOCKED when I got my period after my first month of trying to get pregnant. This is the first time I realized that PMS is different when you're off the pill and that cruelly translated into sore boobs.
Sept 2010-Feb 2011
Every month brings with it another new PMS symptom that I never knew existed. I'm starting to think I'm crazy. Sore boobs, nausea even vomiting, cycle length that just keeps getting longer and longer so that every month I spend a few days thinking I'm late and maybe, just maybe, this is the month! I spend a good portion of my time devising strategies of how to get pregnant. This is where the active participation (way beyond just sperm meets egg) comes in. I charted daily and obsessed over every sign of possible ovulation. That didn't work? So lets just forget that and have sex every two days (better for sperm quality than every day, also better for my mental health.) That didn't work? I heard it's better to have no sex at all and just do it once on the day of ovulation. That's no good either? Well you must be thinking about it too much, just let go and it'll happen when you least expect it. This is the biggest load of shit I've ever been fed. I spent that month lying to myself, which isn't really possible. I was lying to the self I wish I could be. The one who takes it all in stride, knows there's order behind everything and that it'll happen when it's meant to happen. She doesn't exist, that's the real lie.
Feb 2011
After an exceptionally punctual period with almost no symptoms of PMS I realize that the bleeding just isn't going away. Three weeks later I have an awful feeling that this isn't just another annoying period related symptom. One positive pregnancy test and an annoyingly dismissive doctor later it's confirmed. Chemical pregnancy, a.k.a. very early miscarriage. I don't really know how to feel. I'm annoyingly stoic when I get hurt and emotional pain isn't any different. I try to immediately focus on the positive. We got pregnant! No matter now briefly, it still means that we can get pregnant. I blindly plow through the few weeks following this miscarriage not knowing how to react. Am I ridiculous for feeling sad about a pregnancy that ended almost as soon as it started? Am I sad about the loss of a potential baby or just the fact that I "failed" at this thing I've been trying to do for so long? A part of me realizes that this situation doesn't call for understanding, it calls for acceptance but I couldn't wrap my head around it at the time. I still don't know if I can.
Mar 2011
A pregnant co-worker tells me she knows this girl who had a very early miscarriage just like me and she got pregnant the month that followed. Hopes up! then down.
Also during this time, I am surrounded by pregnant friends. It's very hard not to get bitter when people just keep getting pregnant around you. I know it's just because of my age and the fact that I'm noticing it more but damn.
Apr-May 2011
Maybe I just needed an few extra months after the miscarriage. We're almost there! Come on, if it worked once it's bound to work again. My mind refuses to accept the fact that getting pregnant isn't a gradual process wherein it gradually gets closer and closer to working and then... poof! it works! You're either pregnant or you're not. There's not almost.
Jun-Aug 2011
Softball season is here again! I love to play and this is a very welcome distraction. I still spend all the post ovulation games wondering if I'm endangering a potential fetus but still, it's better than sitting at home.
Sept 2011-Dec 2011
My husband and I decide it's high time we consult a doctor. It's been over a year and still no baby. This can't be normal. Although this is a pretty positive experience, nice doctor, and we came out with a prescription for 4 months of Clomid, it was still a bit frustrating. I hoped, unreasonably, that the doctor would just say just do this and it'll work right away. Nope, we have to do 4 months of drug therapy before we can even get any tests done.
In the back of my mind Clomid was this miracle drug because my co-worker, who also had a bit of trouble conceiving, took it for only a month and she got pregnant (and went on to give birth to a healthy baby girl). Of course, every month it didn't work was just another huge disappointment. At this point I was getting so frustrated about the bi-polar roller coaster ride that was my life that I couldn't talk about it without getting this tight weepy feeling in my chest. So not fair, is the only way I can describe it.
At this point adoption is starting to seem like something I may have to consider. Being adopted myself, the fact that I feel extreme sadness at the thought of having to adopt a baby makes me feel like a complete hypocrite. Especially because I'm extremely grateful that I have my parents and I had a very happy childhood. There's just something about the need to have a baby that's part me and part my husband that seems impossible to suppress.
Jan 2012
It's a new year and as soon as I get my period I'm calling the fertility clinic and getting all the tests done... stat! This is the idea I started the month with. That way I won't be crushed when I get my period. Not to mention that I had declared this month (and the Christmas season that preceded it) a Procreation Vacation. Oh how witty of me, and what a delightfully positive attitude to have. (secretly I'm still lying to my secret "better self" about my inability to evolve into the perfect person I need to be in order for this damned pregnancy to happen already!)
Since I started the Clomid my period has been almost consistently 28 days (give or take a day.) Ok, well this month day 28 came and went without the slightest cramp. And so did 29, 30, 31 and 32. I did a pregnancy test and I saw the faintest, slightest little line there taunting me. Another cruel joke because yesterday, on day 33 I got my period. My mental stability is being sorely tested here. I really thought it was happening for real this time and I'm struggling not to become bitter and jaded. Once again I picked myself up by my bootstraps and called the fertility clinic. This week I'm going for those long awaited tests and soon, so is my husband.
One extra twist is that, come to find out, this co-worker with the pregnancy issues also had one of the tests I'm about to have (the hysterosalpingography) has the side effect of helping some women get pregnant by "cleaning out" their fallopian tubes. Looks like this is going to be another month of helplessly hoping for something that I have no control over!
The hardest part about trying to get pregnant is that there's no real reason when it doesn't work. It's not as though you can look back on the month you just passed and find your weaknesses and work on making them better next time. Although I did exactly that and continue to do it, to varying degrees every month, it just doesn't make sense. Although it's my body I don't control what it does once that sperm is in there... frustrating.
There, I really needed to say all that.
Here is a list of the things that I've done that have not resulted in pregnancy:
- charting (for 3 months)
- trying to pay attention to my cervical mucous (1 month)
- just leaving it to the fates (sporadically, a.k.a. getting fed up with trying)
- ovulation tests (the past 4 months, seems I ovulate, that's good)
- giving up alcohol and coffee (1 long month)
- every combination of sex position (including post-sex handstand)
- every combination of frequency of sex (every day, every two days, lots of times a few days prior to ovulation and on ovulation day, only once in the month to, you know save it up)
- exercise more, eat better
- most recently: take Clomid for 4 months
May-Jul 2010
Went off the pill but of course we still have to use protection because I HAVE to drink champagne at my wedding. (I did, it was great!)
Aug 2010
I was shocked... I mean SHOCKED when I got my period after my first month of trying to get pregnant. This is the first time I realized that PMS is different when you're off the pill and that cruelly translated into sore boobs.
Sept 2010-Feb 2011
Every month brings with it another new PMS symptom that I never knew existed. I'm starting to think I'm crazy. Sore boobs, nausea even vomiting, cycle length that just keeps getting longer and longer so that every month I spend a few days thinking I'm late and maybe, just maybe, this is the month! I spend a good portion of my time devising strategies of how to get pregnant. This is where the active participation (way beyond just sperm meets egg) comes in. I charted daily and obsessed over every sign of possible ovulation. That didn't work? So lets just forget that and have sex every two days (better for sperm quality than every day, also better for my mental health.) That didn't work? I heard it's better to have no sex at all and just do it once on the day of ovulation. That's no good either? Well you must be thinking about it too much, just let go and it'll happen when you least expect it. This is the biggest load of shit I've ever been fed. I spent that month lying to myself, which isn't really possible. I was lying to the self I wish I could be. The one who takes it all in stride, knows there's order behind everything and that it'll happen when it's meant to happen. She doesn't exist, that's the real lie.
Feb 2011
After an exceptionally punctual period with almost no symptoms of PMS I realize that the bleeding just isn't going away. Three weeks later I have an awful feeling that this isn't just another annoying period related symptom. One positive pregnancy test and an annoyingly dismissive doctor later it's confirmed. Chemical pregnancy, a.k.a. very early miscarriage. I don't really know how to feel. I'm annoyingly stoic when I get hurt and emotional pain isn't any different. I try to immediately focus on the positive. We got pregnant! No matter now briefly, it still means that we can get pregnant. I blindly plow through the few weeks following this miscarriage not knowing how to react. Am I ridiculous for feeling sad about a pregnancy that ended almost as soon as it started? Am I sad about the loss of a potential baby or just the fact that I "failed" at this thing I've been trying to do for so long? A part of me realizes that this situation doesn't call for understanding, it calls for acceptance but I couldn't wrap my head around it at the time. I still don't know if I can.
Mar 2011
A pregnant co-worker tells me she knows this girl who had a very early miscarriage just like me and she got pregnant the month that followed. Hopes up! then down.
Also during this time, I am surrounded by pregnant friends. It's very hard not to get bitter when people just keep getting pregnant around you. I know it's just because of my age and the fact that I'm noticing it more but damn.
Apr-May 2011
Maybe I just needed an few extra months after the miscarriage. We're almost there! Come on, if it worked once it's bound to work again. My mind refuses to accept the fact that getting pregnant isn't a gradual process wherein it gradually gets closer and closer to working and then... poof! it works! You're either pregnant or you're not. There's not almost.
Jun-Aug 2011
Softball season is here again! I love to play and this is a very welcome distraction. I still spend all the post ovulation games wondering if I'm endangering a potential fetus but still, it's better than sitting at home.
Sept 2011-Dec 2011
My husband and I decide it's high time we consult a doctor. It's been over a year and still no baby. This can't be normal. Although this is a pretty positive experience, nice doctor, and we came out with a prescription for 4 months of Clomid, it was still a bit frustrating. I hoped, unreasonably, that the doctor would just say just do this and it'll work right away. Nope, we have to do 4 months of drug therapy before we can even get any tests done.
In the back of my mind Clomid was this miracle drug because my co-worker, who also had a bit of trouble conceiving, took it for only a month and she got pregnant (and went on to give birth to a healthy baby girl). Of course, every month it didn't work was just another huge disappointment. At this point I was getting so frustrated about the bi-polar roller coaster ride that was my life that I couldn't talk about it without getting this tight weepy feeling in my chest. So not fair, is the only way I can describe it.
At this point adoption is starting to seem like something I may have to consider. Being adopted myself, the fact that I feel extreme sadness at the thought of having to adopt a baby makes me feel like a complete hypocrite. Especially because I'm extremely grateful that I have my parents and I had a very happy childhood. There's just something about the need to have a baby that's part me and part my husband that seems impossible to suppress.
Jan 2012
It's a new year and as soon as I get my period I'm calling the fertility clinic and getting all the tests done... stat! This is the idea I started the month with. That way I won't be crushed when I get my period. Not to mention that I had declared this month (and the Christmas season that preceded it) a Procreation Vacation. Oh how witty of me, and what a delightfully positive attitude to have. (secretly I'm still lying to my secret "better self" about my inability to evolve into the perfect person I need to be in order for this damned pregnancy to happen already!)
Since I started the Clomid my period has been almost consistently 28 days (give or take a day.) Ok, well this month day 28 came and went without the slightest cramp. And so did 29, 30, 31 and 32. I did a pregnancy test and I saw the faintest, slightest little line there taunting me. Another cruel joke because yesterday, on day 33 I got my period. My mental stability is being sorely tested here. I really thought it was happening for real this time and I'm struggling not to become bitter and jaded. Once again I picked myself up by my bootstraps and called the fertility clinic. This week I'm going for those long awaited tests and soon, so is my husband.
One extra twist is that, come to find out, this co-worker with the pregnancy issues also had one of the tests I'm about to have (the hysterosalpingography) has the side effect of helping some women get pregnant by "cleaning out" their fallopian tubes. Looks like this is going to be another month of helplessly hoping for something that I have no control over!
The hardest part about trying to get pregnant is that there's no real reason when it doesn't work. It's not as though you can look back on the month you just passed and find your weaknesses and work on making them better next time. Although I did exactly that and continue to do it, to varying degrees every month, it just doesn't make sense. Although it's my body I don't control what it does once that sperm is in there... frustrating.
There, I really needed to say all that.
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